No Idea Anymore

It was like back in the time of WW1. They kept talking about it as this great big adventure; a chance to see Europe and the world.

Not some muddy trench full of blood and tears where you had little to no chance to survive but were going to be remembered by millions back home.

Lest we forget.

Okay, I’m sorry, that’s over the top that metaphor. But that is kind of how I’ve felt in relation to my uni experiences these past few weeks/years. A lot of people were talking up uni and how fun it is and the places I could go if I did well. My marks in English kind of supported their claims too. But I can’t pitch it to my parents like that, can I?

Now I have no idea what my future holds for me. But one thing that I do know is that I should stop buying things; namely food and fizzy drink. We’re not even half way through the year (let alone winter) and I’ve already put on at least 3 kg. At least. I’m even getting short of breath at the simplest of activities sometimes, *gulp*. My heart beats in irregular patterns and I’ve been thinking things that would upset people if they ever found out.

Last week, my sister and I had a conversation about how having a job has affected both our shopping habits. Her thought process goes a little like: “That’s like an hour’s pay, maybe next time”, and she walks away, the product still on shelf. Me on the other hand: “Hell, that’s like only an hour’s work. Yes, I’ll get it!”

It was this type of thought process that saw me spend over $60 at JB last Saturday, $25 on some Church cds I already had (I’ll explain later) and nearly $40 on purchases from eBay. Not to mention all the drinks, hot chips, Hot Wheels and vinyl I’ve bought in between which has seen my bank account go from a healthy $****, down to $**** (you didn’t think I was going to tell you how much I had, did you?)

If I had been doing well at uni, this wouldn’t concern me. I would merely say something like “I’m rewarding myself for all the good work that I’ve done and effort I’ve put in”. But I’m not doing well at uni, I have lost all motivation to be there, and with that goes the effort I put in. I haven’t even had work that much in the last month, so I’m falling even further into the red. And there’s an antique fair on this weekend just down the road from me. D’oh!

I did have a ‘light bulb’ moment the other day though. But it is still that at the moment, and I would be too surprised if it already exists, as I know similar products are out there.

I think I’ve figured something out too, but if I say if I’ll be branded nasty, nasty things which I don’t want even though they might prove my point. And I won’t be able to run that fast/far away without collapsing, so I really shouldn’t say it.

Why can’t I break these habits? Somebody help me, please. I beg of you.

Why do I get intimidated so easily? Oh, that’s right…..

But I shouldn’t really be complaining now, should I. There are people in Oklahoma who have lost everything. So ignore all of what I’ve just said.

It Was Coming Eventually

I have asked on the unofficial Facebook page, but I only asked what they were, because no offence, but the explanation as to why would have gone something like this: “I don’t know why, it just has that something that appeals to me I guess”.

So in this completely unoriginal and totally expected post, I’m going to list my favourite 10 Church songs and why I like them.

Numero Uno: After Everything (2007)

This song is my absolute favourite. I’m talking about the acoustic version though, not the original (clichés will be in abundance from here on, just a heads up – ed.). This song has possibly the most beautiful vocal Steve has ever recorded with the band (he may have done better gone solo, but I’m not interested in that here). It is total melancholy, but that’s what Steve does best, so it’s no surprise. Everything about this song is just wonderful. From the opening strumming, through the stings section and the middle 8; it just falls into place like a jigsaw. I might also like it because I can relate to the words (“I really thought it would go on forever/ I never believed they would sever the ties/ All of the questions remaining unanswered/ Strangers reflection in a strangers eye), but that’s another story.

From here on in the songs are listed in no particular order.

#2, 3 + 4:

To save myself time here, just read this.

#5: My Little Problem (1994)

This song is the only good thing about what is in my view the worst album the band has ever recorded (consider the things that were happening at the time and cut them some slack man (ed.). The song goes for over 7 minute and encapsulates all that is good about the band. It is a confessional about Steve’s drug problem and is amazing given the apparent simplicity of the song compared to previous recordings from the band.

#6: A Month of Sundays (1984)

Again, read this.

#7: Easy (2006)

From the album ‘Uninvited, Like The Clouds’, the title of the song describes what it is to fall in love with it. Even though it doesn’t even hit the 5 minute mark, I was once quoted as saying that it felt like it went forever. I believe that this may have been due to my unfamiliarity with the song at the time and the fact that it doesn’t really have a solo as such.

#8: Life Speeds Up (1982)

B-side to ‘The Unguarded Moment’, this song is a hidden classic, one for the true fan. The song sounds big, an absolute mammoth of a song with what could best be described as a slight American influence in terms of the sound (it was produced by Bob Clearmountain don’t forget – ed.). I know this means bugger all, but is actually a good song to play either air guitar or drums to; so if you want to unwind to a new song, give this a try first.

#9: Chromium (2004)

Again, I’m talking about the acoustic version, not the original. Found on ‘El Momento Descuidado’ this re-imagining has the feel of a ‘Sunday crush’ song. When I listen to it, I see myself sitting in a chair that’s sunken into the sand and the ocean is lapping around my feet. The shadows have grown long and a chill has entered the breeze, but I don’t want to leave. About the only thing missing is that someone I like. Bliss.

#10: Crash/Ride (2004)

The third track from ‘Beside Yourself’, this track is, well, interesting. It starts off with loads of bass (that could just be your stereo settings dude – ed.) and just builds and builds.

I don’t know if it’s a sad song (and I don’t want to know), but I always feel a little deflated after listening to it.

Out Of Order

I faked a headache and fanned not being well and they took it. I think my sister knew what was happening though. I also bought a DVD which doesn’t work in my computer. Piece of shit cost me $15 it did. Good thing it wasn’t a Church one; but it was Coldplay.

Tried to take 2 panadol tables without water. I was able to swallow them. Eventually. Found out my twitter account is worth about $12. Wow.

I must be lonely though; I thought that an animated, cartoon chick was hot.

I wasted nearly an hour sitting on a wall thinking how much it would hurt if I fell backwards off it (it wasn’t even a meter high, but may have got me some attention).

Imgur has some funny picture. It also has some total crap.

Even though I have over 6 times it, $1000 is a scary number when you have to spend it on something that’s not guaranteed.

He just ducked his head in. So I had to lie. Again. Now I really do have a throbbing headache; like someone put an elastic band around my head; which is caving in.

I saw a notice at the library about ‘chronic fatigue’, or something like that. Initially I though it may have been talking about people like me. Because even though I’m eating more these days, I’m tired all the time. But that may be the stress that I am under atm. Anyway, as it turned out, I don’t suffer from whatever the condition was called as the example sighted people who are bed ridden for days, if not weeks, after a simple walk to the shop. I’m not quite that bad. But is it just me or is this condition just like clinomania with a professional sounding twist?

That was a big paragraph. 107 words it was.

My sister is at the stage where she ‘has to make up’ her mind what she wants to do with her future. Because she is in on my situation, she got some information for me from a careers expo even though I didn’t ask her to. She’s awesome like that. She wants to get into business management or something or other. Something that I am not smart enough to know what the hell is going on.

I nearly flipped what-his-face the bird and called him a See-You-Next-Tuesday. I could feel all my fingers bar the middle one curling up into a fist. The only reason I stopped myself is that it looked like his dad was in the car with him. And I have respect for his dad. And I didn’t want to stoop to the lows of fulfilling the Berkeley stereotype.

Even though I didn’t want to, I gave into temptation and had a large chocolate milkshake and small fries from Maccas. When I sat down to have it, the chick two tables over kept distracting me. And I’m not usually that taken by blondes.

Five words to go. 500!

How is it that Phil Collins song goes? “I don’t care no moooooooooooooooooooooore! No more, no more. No more, no more. No more, no more. No more.”

I do like his ‘In The Air Tonight’. I can totally relate to the words for that song. Oh, and the big ass sounding drums are just the cherry on top. Wonder if Bob Clearmountain had anything to do with that some. (If you’re a big Church anorak like me, you’d get what I did there).

Hehe, my dad thinks I have a headache because I’m reading a bit too much. Boy, what a surprise he’s in for….

Ithinkthespacebaronmykeyboardisbroken.

I found a good way to spook people in public today. Step1; walk behind them at a close proximity. Step 2; clear your throat really loudly and watch how fast they turn around. Not bad for a laugh the first few times.

I hate living at home.

Why do I feel so weak?

About the only saving grace in my situation right now it the fact that I’m not the only one.

Must start eating healthy again. Hahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahah, I’ve never made myself laugh so hard. I haven’t eaten healthy since Easter. Damn chocolate bunny. Apparently the bunny is representative of new life. Makes sense. In more ways than one.

I really need to get my eyes checked again. I’m struggling to see this screen.  To be fair though, I haven’t got my glasses on.

*Sigh*

“With Jake the Dog and Finn the Human, it’s fun that never ends. Adventure Time!”

You know, I’m starting to think that all my posts sound the same and my life is just me running on some giant hamster wheel.

It Was Nice

That was a good weekend. My faith in life was restored. Briefly.
Then Monday rolled around.

I kind of have a ‘Plan B’ but still no ‘Plan C’.

Does it matter though? My stress is causing too much trouble so I have to get out now, I’m certain of that. We’re only just over halfway through session and I’ve lost it. And by ‘it’, I mean everything. A friend asked me some questions about cars the other day and I couldn’t answer him without saying “I don’t know”.

My nose has developed a twitch when I think about certain things/people. Is that a bad thing?

My ears hurt when I listen to music now. I don’t like this.

I’m falling asleep at the slightest inclination these days even though I’m eating more. Go figure science.

I ran out of credit texting that person last night. Good thing it was only about footy and was wrapping up anyway. A few more messages would have been nice though.

Screw you Monday. Why do I have to be so…so…so like this?

Sometimes I envy people who can’t read.

I think my smile is broken.

See?

What do I do now?

Life goes too fast. I mean, hell, it’s already 9:30.

Fare-de-well

Why does it hurt just so?

Have you seen the ‘meme’ (I think that’s what you’d refer to it as. I’m no internet geek) where it has a picture of an army soldier cut the wires of a bomb, and down the bottom is the tag line ‘how it feels to text the girl you like’? Yep.

To borrow a line from a tv show I saw one, “I get intimidated by beautiful, successful women”.

Actually, I don’t even know what to call them. I don’t think of myself as an adult, so I don’t think of other people my age as adults either; we’re just mature people (even though I’m 21). So is it wrong to refer to girls my age as just that; ‘Girls’?

Could this be causing my backwards tumble?

I tumbled on some stairs today. Somehow my shoe got caught on something I don’t know what was; must’ve been a tiny little lip or something.

I saw a website article of what celebs looked like before they were famous. I think the whole idea was to list in order of biggest shock or something like that. Well it did start at 15 and count down. Wacko Jacko only came in at #12 though, which was interesting. And Taylor Swift has nice tits (as does Kat Dennings).

Played pool for the first time in nearly 3 months. Lost all 3 games. I got a shellacking in the final 2. I don’t think I sunk a single ball in the last come to think of it. But I was able to launch the ball 4 or 5 times a game; so I never got boxed in.

I also found out that this is quite easy to interpret. Apparently I could make a good carer too. But how do I tell you-know-who?

Cheesy-Bacon chips are nice. Deadly; but nice.

 Ran from my place to the library in 15 minutes this arvo. No idea how impressive that is. It felt impressive though.

But I did let myself down by failing to stick to plan. However, I have reached a conclusion about fast-food. Macca’s makes the best chocolate milkshakes and Chicko’s have the best chips (and the blonde that served me was hot…)

“Birds come flying at the speed of sound/To tell us how it all went down/And if you could see it then you’d understand”

The Sharks were on telly last night; but not until 9:30 so the game was crammed full of ads that the first game wasn’t.

I really got to be happy; but how do I do that living with this stress?

“Nobody said it was easy/Nobody said it was fun/Running around in circles/Coming back to the start”

The Church or Coldplay? I have an emotional attachment to the prior but none the latter; but maybe in a month or two… Someone on YouTube said Coldplay wasn’t like angels singing but kissing your ears. I wonder how that person did at English. Probably the church though. They seem more of a people’s band; actually no. Coldplay just have a bigger fan base atm so can be as personable. And the church are just so damn dynamic.

Thank you. Sorry.

Help Wanted

*Clears throat*

*Breathes out*

*Looks over right shoulder*

*Stares at nothing*

*Fiddles with a pen lid with left hand*

Welcome to my life the last few nights. Fun, huh?

Well how else do you expect me to get through life?

With constant headaches and a bigger (than a month ago) belly, I’m amazed they haven’t noticed yet.

I’ve kind of told my sister what the deal is, but that’s as far as it’s gone yet. I mean, how are we supposed to make a decent presentation in 20 minute when we have to talk about 12-15 different things?

Everything I read tells me we were right in the first place, but the important people (the ones marking the damned thing) say ‘nu-uh, too short’ and effectively hand us quadruple the work in less time.

We’ve all got a line that shouldn’t be crossed, right? Well, I’ve found mine. And it’s just been proven again.

I should be working on it now, but f**k it. It’ll mean nothing anyway.

Especially when I’m too offensive and critical and judgemental yet what I’ve been given to read rips blonde newsreaders a proverbial ‘new one’.

It was nice to have a chat with Yoda though. But I’m not a Star Wars fan really, so I don’t know the right etiquette.

Should I go next week? Hmm, maybe; see how I feel (i.e. – no).

It must be dire though, my drugs have stopped working.

I can’t remember the time unless I check five times in quick succession.

Dad seems to think that people with depression or anxiety ‘should get up and move on’; says he with a house, job, loving wife and family.

I’d try something else, but he’d be all like ‘oh give it here, you’re doing it wrong’.

And…

And…

How do I ask? Do I just walk up and say it? Do I wait till we next see each other?

What do I say more to the point? I never got that bit. It happens in the movies a fair bit, but does it happen in reality or was I deprived of that talk?

One day it was rumours, the next it was fruition, but I never got the bit in the middle.

Why is it not possible to make a living out of the things I could do for hours and not get bored with? Or is it?

No. It’s not possible. Why? Because it’s me we’re talking about here. The most unlucky lucky sod you’ll ever come across on the face of this earth.

Wow, look at that; 429 words.

Nearly time to go. I don’t want them growing suspicious of me. Not yet.

Good thing I took those drama classes. They’re finally paying off in Hindsight.

Huh. I typed hindsight with a capital. Shows how indebted I am to them.

Have you ever said a word so many times over and over that it loses all meaning? I have.

This was all just a rush of blood to the head. No, wait. That was just the album.

99% and charging; I best unplug it and get ready to go.

Bye.

One final thought. Read this: J-E-S-U-S-I-S-N-O-W-H-E-R-E.

Now read it again. Do you see it? I do.

And I’m off.

Ramblings of a Mad Man 2

I did a ‘career’ survey a few months ago, and all it did was confirm my worst fears; I’m on the wrong path.

Apparently (wait, why am I using saying that when it’s true?), I have very little self motivation to strive and achieve things. However I enjoy being part of a team but not being the leader. I also like a stable environment that doesn’t change very much.

So I have chosen the wrong career prospects with journalism. This isn’t helped much by my (thus far) results. The last few years I have been averaging about 70-75% at uni. This year that’s dropped to roughly 67-8%.

Last year when my eyes filled with water, it was just because I had found one uni subject hard, but I still wanted to be there. This year, well I just couldn’t give a f*ck. Yesterday I had 4 classes (or 6 hours, however you want to look at it), and I took all of them off. I went to uni, but I just sat in front of a computer and looked for alternatives while complaining about how much I hurt on twitter (I also put on a few kg).

So now I’m grappling with many different things. What do I do next and how do I tell my parents? Last year my mum said that as long as I found something else to do before dropping out of uni, she didn’t mind. Just don’t tell dad until you have found something.

That’s the thing though. How do I tell dad? Even if I find something else to do? He was surprised to say the least when he found out I wanted to be a journalist. He always wanted me to do a trade of sorts because I could always fall back on it in the future and it would take me places. Yet he never really pushed me in any direction as a kid, so could he just expect me to be interested in something that he never exposed me to? Which is why I was surprised that he was surprised that I wanted to get into something that involved writing, as my English marks at high school were the best of everything that I did.

While looking at alternatives yesterday, the one thing that kept popping into the back of my mind was becoming a carer. As the aforementioned survey told me, I’m a caring, patient person who is willing to put the needs of others before my own (others might argue that though). I mean, I did win the citizenship award at both primary and high school, so it must be true to a degree.

And I need companionship. I sometimes go weeks on end without seeing people and this hurts. I conducted a social experiment over the last few days; and the results were exactly what I expected. I turned my phone off, took out the sim card and left it at home deep in the back of my cupboard.

When I turned it back on yesterday evening (4 days after turning it off and that was over the weekend too), I had no texts, no calls, nothing. The emails that I sent out to people who I used to see everyday still haven’t been replied to. And people have the gall to ask why I never get out much. Well when nobody wants you…

So is it unusual that I want to have a job when people (or at least one person) will pay regular attention to me even though I’m a shy person?  Being a carer will be hard, I know that. But it will be more rewarding than what I’m currently doing.

As some of the sites that I looked at yesterday said, there is always going to be people who need to be looked after? So that should keep my dad happy as there is pretty regular demand for people to fill the positions (but we’ll see about that, I’ll have to get back to you). But I can see how he will react already. “You’re going to have to do this, that and the other”, he will say. “And you don’t do any of them at the moment” he’ll continue.

“Yes, but that is because mum gets up at the crack of dawn with you each morning and does everything”

“So if she was to stop doing all that you’d take the slack then?”

“Of course, it would take long to hit a routine. About the hardest thing would be the cooking. But you reckon you can do it, so I’m sure it can’t be that hard.”

“You’d have to have to give up a lot though”.

“Well I haven’t got a lot as it stands anyway. I’m not addicted to Facebook or Twitter. I don’t watch much television, and what I do watch is mainly ‘family friendly’. About the crudest thing I watch is ‘Mrs. Browns Boys’. I really don’t crave much at all when you think about. And the only thing I’d be upset about if I were to lose it is my collection of Church music”.

An hour later, it might conclude and we’d not talk to each other for a while.

So this will be a quantum leap for me personally should it go ahead. But what do I care? Right? My marks are bad at the moment, and with my new pessimistic outlook on life, I don’t see them getting much better. Which is what needs to happen.