Ramblings of a Mad Man 2

7 05 2013

I did a ‘career’ survey a few months ago, and all it did was confirm my worst fears; I’m on the wrong path.

Apparently (wait, why am I using saying that when it’s true?), I have very little self motivation to strive and achieve things. However I enjoy being part of a team but not being the leader. I also like a stable environment that doesn’t change very much.

So I have chosen the wrong career prospects with journalism. This isn’t helped much by my (thus far) results. The last few years I have been averaging about 70-75% at uni. This year that’s dropped to roughly 67-8%.

Last year when my eyes filled with water, it was just because I had found one uni subject hard, but I still wanted to be there. This year, well I just couldn’t give a f*ck. Yesterday I had 4 classes (or 6 hours, however you want to look at it), and I took all of them off. I went to uni, but I just sat in front of a computer and looked for alternatives while complaining about how much I hurt on twitter (I also put on a few kg).

So now I’m grappling with many different things. What do I do next and how do I tell my parents? Last year my mum said that as long as I found something else to do before dropping out of uni, she didn’t mind. Just don’t tell dad until you have found something.

That’s the thing though. How do I tell dad? Even if I find something else to do? He was surprised to say the least when he found out I wanted to be a journalist. He always wanted me to do a trade of sorts because I could always fall back on it in the future and it would take me places. Yet he never really pushed me in any direction as a kid, so could he just expect me to be interested in something that he never exposed me to? Which is why I was surprised that he was surprised that I wanted to get into something that involved writing, as my English marks at high school were the best of everything that I did.

While looking at alternatives yesterday, the one thing that kept popping into the back of my mind was becoming a carer. As the aforementioned survey told me, I’m a caring, patient person who is willing to put the needs of others before my own (others might argue that though). I mean, I did win the citizenship award at both primary and high school, so it must be true to a degree.

And I need companionship. I sometimes go weeks on end without seeing people and this hurts. I conducted a social experiment over the last few days; and the results were exactly what I expected. I turned my phone off, took out the sim card and left it at home deep in the back of my cupboard.

When I turned it back on yesterday evening (4 days after turning it off and that was over the weekend too), I had no texts, no calls, nothing. The emails that I sent out to people who I used to see everyday still haven’t been replied to. And people have the gall to ask why I never get out much. Well when nobody wants you…

So is it unusual that I want to have a job when people (or at least one person) will pay regular attention to me even though I’m a shy person?  Being a carer will be hard, I know that. But it will be more rewarding than what I’m currently doing.

As some of the sites that I looked at yesterday said, there is always going to be people who need to be looked after? So that should keep my dad happy as there is pretty regular demand for people to fill the positions (but we’ll see about that, I’ll have to get back to you). But I can see how he will react already. “You’re going to have to do this, that and the other”, he will say. “And you don’t do any of them at the moment” he’ll continue.

“Yes, but that is because mum gets up at the crack of dawn with you each morning and does everything”

“So if she was to stop doing all that you’d take the slack then?”

“Of course, it would take long to hit a routine. About the hardest thing would be the cooking. But you reckon you can do it, so I’m sure it can’t be that hard.”

“You’d have to have to give up a lot though”.

“Well I haven’t got a lot as it stands anyway. I’m not addicted to Facebook or Twitter. I don’t watch much television, and what I do watch is mainly ‘family friendly’. About the crudest thing I watch is ‘Mrs. Browns Boys’. I really don’t crave much at all when you think about. And the only thing I’d be upset about if I were to lose it is my collection of Church music”.

An hour later, it might conclude and we’d not talk to each other for a while.

So this will be a quantum leap for me personally should it go ahead. But what do I care? Right? My marks are bad at the moment, and with my new pessimistic outlook on life, I don’t see them getting much better. Which is what needs to happen.

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