And It’s Goneeeee

30 05 2013

“Dearest Log….”

Sorry, but that’s kind of what it’s been like this last month. This is my 13th post this month, 4 more than my second most prolific month.

I’ve always held the belief that journals, or diaries, are for poofs and that I’d never have one. I had some in high school, but they were supplied by the school and I never used them. Even though I still haven’t bought a journal/dairy, the way that I’ve been blogging has been like owning one. So does that mean I’m a poof?

I don’t know what is causing me more stress at the moment. Not being able to handle/get motivated for uni, the fear of having to tell my parents in time or finding something that will act as my ‘final chance hotel’, because, well, it will be. I’m guessing that there will be some smartass out there who will read this and say “well, it’s actually a combination of all of those things and…”

One thing that being in this constant state of dismay has allowed me to do is reflect better than I ever have. And become even more depressed. I’m struggling with what I’m doing because it clearly isn’t my strong point in life, no matter how much I kid myself.

But when I think about my life, I can see that I could have done heaps of things. I remember a few years ago when someone who used to be my friend (you know who you are) played football (or rugby league for those of you who might’ve thought soccer) and his team was spruiking for wingers. He asked me if I was interested. For those of you who can remember one of my first posts from nearly 15 months ago, you’ll know that I’m not great at any particular sport, but I’m willing to get in and have a go at most things.

For some reason, I didn’t take up his offer. I got all the details (costs, where/when registrations was etc.), but I didn’t follow through (good thing I never verbally agreed). But when I look back now, I should have done it. I know it means absolutely nothing, but I can remember a time at school when we played tackle footy and I somehow managed to hop along on one foot with three blokes trying to stop me. I was only taken down when a forth came up behind and gave me a mighty big shove.

And another time at a coaching clinic when I was pitted up against the local team’s (Berkeley Eagles if anyone was interested) fastest play in my age group. Him being a player, he was kitted out to the max; uniform, mouthguard, studs, you name it. But this was just a foot race remember. Because I rocked up on spur of the moment because there was nothing else doing, I wore my worn out old sandals that had no tread left. But I won. And naturally everyone who watched started hounding me to join the team.

There was also the time that I was asked to play cricket. I’m not the fastest bowler you’ll ever see, but I was a consistent bowler. And I could mix it up if needed. I remember one time when playing PSSA for my primary school (BWPS), I got about 5 wickets in one game against Cringila and was one of the key reasons that we were able to dismiss them for just 11. As it transpired though, I was a slightly better indoor cricket player than I was traditional. Even when there was a crowd of hot chicks calling out my name I was able to hold my nerve (the chicks knew my name because when I bowled, I left my hat near the net and they read my name that was on the inside of the beak).

My interpretation of a Dodge Viper at speed

My interpretation of a Dodge Viper at speed

Even in my HSC I could have gotten into the health sector (which I now wish I had). My final mark in PD/H/PE was actually 81% (and this was supposedly one of the hardest courses on offer because there was so much content to cover). I also did SLR (‘Sports, Lifestyle, Recreation’, not a fancy Mercedes sports car) and topped the class every time (but only because the rest of the class was filled with total idiots who were good at the sport bit, but not the theory).

Then there is when I used to play basketball. At the time, because I was so short then, I wasn’t the best when it came to scoring hoops, but I was fast. So every team I played for always had the same game plan: if I got the ball, my speed would get us up the other end and all the others had to do was get up near the hoop for me to pass to them to score. Simple, yet effective.

Since then, I’ve grown, so my technique has changed; and for the better. I can now sink with a little better consistency and from more places (I can shoot from halfway and get the distance with ease, just not the hoop). This became apparent on Wednesday when I played a full court game and scored numerous goals; both from lay-ups (which I seem to have mastered) and regulation shot. When my team made a break, because I was hanging back, I got passed the ball, but the opposition’s fastest player was looming fast and there was no one else from my team in a better position than me. I don’t know why, but my legs refused to move, so I pivoted and took a shot, from the intersection of the quarter way line and the side line. If this were scripted, it would’ve gone in. But it’s not and it didn’t. However, if I’d been one step closer to the net, it would’ve.

The one time I attempted a wheel and it wasn't even on a car

The one time I attempted a wheel and it wasn’t even on a car

And how could I forget the time that I made the cross-country team 3 years running and was the only person that whole time who wasn’t in TSP? A bit of explaining: I went to a sports high school where there were teams for a number of different sports (mainly the aforementioned rugby league) and if you lived outside the whatever km radius, you only got into the school if you played sport for a team and were willing to represent the school in TSP, which stands for ‘Targeted Sports Program’. So to not be in TSP and make cross-country 3 years running is no mean feat.

I could also have become a musician. Even though I never mastered chords in my time, I was chosen for extracurricular guitar lessons provided free of charge by the high school. And I did love playing the guitar. And naturally I do wish I carried on with it, but clearly I didn’t. Not only that, I also picked up the bass as well for a group performance. And keyboard. I was even chosen as the bass in a vocal group because I have a voice that was the equivalent of about 3-4 keys on the piano deeper than any other guys in the class. And I nearly forgot that I was offered a few classes for trumpet as well.

Quite a few people commented how I was a good public speaker as well; even though I could barely reach the microphone for lack of height. One time, a girl that was considered quite hot by a fair number of people told me how she found my voice calming after I gave a 10 minute speech. Shame she’s lesbian.

And even though I was never a fan of art in year 7 or anything, people tell me that I could’ve made a decent drawer if I’d stuck at it; because I did fill the male stereotype by drawing in the back of my maths book in class. My gravatar thing-o for this is hand drawn. I also have a folder of other things (pretty much all cars though, but I could never get the wheels right so I just left them off) I’ve drawn. And some of them aren’t that bad, if I do say so myself.

Whipped this one up in under 2 minutes. Even surprised myself

Whipped this one up in under 2 minutes. Even surprised myself

So as you can see, I’ve thrown a hell of a lot of good opportunities away because I thought I wanted to be a writer. About the only thing I’m qualified to do now is comment on The Church and all associated material. But that won’t get me far. Although, their on-line moderator did step down from her position the other month, so if I was any good with computers…..

Fuck.

*I would like to apologize if I offended anyone by calling them ‘chicks’ or ‘girls’. It’s just that I have no idea what to call them without being disrespectful, as I said a few posts ago.

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